for hannah. thanks for this inspiration. you’re amazing.
meanwhile, i sit, eating ginger biscuits and sipping eggnog. oh, how i love eggnog. it is the essence of christmas. work is definitely picking up a speed into all directions at church. felt like we were spinning for a few hours there–i just get into work mode: head down, email checking, note taking, writing frenzy, list making madness.
telling myself we only have a week or so left. i can’t believe it is almost time. that’s how things are i guess when you have a flexible schedule and west coast and midwest families all millions of miles apart. not feeling too stressed. just feeling peace and a surge of moving–not sure what God has in plan at the end of this motion, but for now, we’ll keep saving, gathering and allowing that small gleam at the end of the tunnel to lead us into the day.
if you would like to help financially or read more about our story, click here.
i would describe this season of my life as apathetic.
there, i said it. i have named it.
it has been hard to not fall into this listless toll
of not really feeling, caring or wanting.
our journey towards a family continues
to bear heavily on us–sometimes needing to not talk about it
so as to create some form of relief and prevent burnout.
sometimes i fear that i will become a clanging gong
to the ears within my close circles.
i remember in high school and college, judging the women
who seemed to “drag” their infertility behind them–
but now i understand that they were being somewhat brave
and present to their feelings of need, loss and of something greater.
lately, God has been sending in some amazing women to speak to me and help start to
shift this layer of apathy farther from my grip:
that i do need to celebrate those who are becoming mothers
because i am called to rejoice with others–even though my heart would rather be mad.
that perhaps enjoying all the newborns around me needs to be ok–
enough, for this time of my life.
that this is a time where i can pour more into my spouse–
treasuring this time of freedom–
even though my heart “wants” to embrace whatever chaotic madness
a full house of children would bring.
(your kid is screaming and driving you bonkers? yeah, i want that.)
i am not sure really what is next on the list.
the “how to wait” is a vast question–for any number of things: a spouse, a house, a new
job, a friend, a better life, a purpose–kids is just one thing on this mighty list.
for now, i am thankful for the community of women God has placed in my life
to reflect his grace, wisdom and everlasting love.
thanks for being my family.
now, i am going to finish my oatmeal and fold some bulletins….
the jankety hum of the printer
makes it’s way through the office.
a gentle heat emits from the machine.
the smell of ink and paper comes as a comfort
declaring the sign of completion–
a time when i can go home.
another week is done.
i sit in the midst of near dusk.
the sounds of traffic picking up:
the beginnings of rush hour.
meanwhile, my heart prays:
Lord, my heart and faith are weak. They lack trust in your providence and your promises. You are hope. You are my heavenly father. You will provide. You have a plan. God forgive me for my lack of trust in your faithfulness and goodness. Help me to rise and call you blessed. Help me to need only your strength and power to walk through what lies ahead.