our advent

this period has been different. not necessarily bad, just new.

this period of anticipation feels more tangible. some days scary.

i folded some of our first baby clothes into a dresser in our spare room.

there has been a crib there for two years. waiting.

i haven’t wanted to expand. but we were told to be prepared.

for the adoption call.

my heart has begun to become a little excited. still unsure of the safety outside my net.

but nothing will ever be “safe” or “sure”…

but hope still whispers.

hope that this is the right thing. this is God’s plan. despite the brokenness of the situation. an unplanned pregnancy. the inability to care for a new life. God is providing another way.

there have been new feelings of guilt. who am i to say i can raise your child? who am i to say, pick me? trust me with your unborn child. my mom changed her mind. i can’t imagine not knowing the woman who bore me. but there was another family. i don’t know how that life would have been different.

recently, we attended an event at a crisis pregnancy center. moms came with their children. children they chose to keep. my emotions swam before me. i heard their stories: thinking abortion was the answer, before arriving at the clinic. choosing to keep the child versus adoption. because what would i tell that kid if i had more? i gave you away, but kept the rest. i did’t want my kids getting lost in the system… it was a dip into reality. acknowledging up close the other “choice” our potential birth mom could choose.

and i totally respect her right to make that decision.

i am having to remember, that we are not trying to replace this child’s parents, we are coming alongside them. really, we are all adopted. by God. adoption is not a bad thing. it is a beautiful thing that has been created to restore.


Day 6

for hannah. thanks for this inspiration. you’re amazing.

meanwhile, i sit, eating ginger biscuits and sipping eggnog. oh, how i love eggnog. it is the essence of christmas. work is definitely picking up a speed into all directions at church. felt like we were spinning for a few hours there–i just get into work mode: head down, email checking, note taking, writing frenzy, list making madness.

telling myself we only have a week or so left. i can’t believe it is almost time. that’s how things are i guess when you have a flexible schedule and west coast and midwest families all millions of miles apart. not feeling too stressed. just feeling peace and a surge of moving–not sure what God has in plan at the end of this motion, but for now, we’ll keep saving, gathering and allowing that small gleam at the end of the tunnel to lead us into the day.

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