our advent

this period has been different. not necessarily bad, just new.

this period of anticipation feels more tangible. some days scary.

i folded some of our first baby clothes into a dresser in our spare room.

there has been a crib there for two years. waiting.

i haven’t wanted to expand. but we were told to be prepared.

for the adoption call.

my heart has begun to become a little excited. still unsure of the safety outside my net.

but nothing will ever be “safe” or “sure”…

but hope still whispers.

hope that this is the right thing. this is God’s plan. despite the brokenness of the situation. an unplanned pregnancy. the inability to care for a new life. God is providing another way.

there have been new feelings of guilt. who am i to say i can raise your child? who am i to say, pick me? trust me with your unborn child. my mom changed her mind. i can’t imagine not knowing the woman who bore me. but there was another family. i don’t know how that life would have been different.

recently, we attended an event at a crisis pregnancy center. moms came with their children. children they chose to keep. my emotions swam before me. i heard their stories: thinking abortion was the answer, before arriving at the clinic. choosing to keep the child versus adoption. because what would i tell that kid if i had more? i gave you away, but kept the rest. i did’t want my kids getting lost in the system… it was a dip into reality. acknowledging up close the other “choice” our potential birth mom could choose.

and i totally respect her right to make that decision.

i am having to remember, that we are not trying to replace this child’s parents, we are coming alongside them. really, we are all adopted. by God. adoption is not a bad thing. it is a beautiful thing that has been created to restore.

late happenings

things that have been going on lately:

-waiting (things to do: go to a day-long adoption meeting. wait for birth-mom placement. finish raising dough. should i nest more??)

-learning more about patience and trust and grace. and how do you wait well? sometimes wish this came more naturally, but then we’d basically be perfect and what would be the point of needing God?

-2.5 years left of grad-school after december. oh. my. goodness. feels like we’re almost through mordor. bring it on mt. doom de dissertation!

-counting blessings in the small and big things (letting God bless me through other families allowing us to bask in their crazy. not sure how my heart is ok with this, sometimes it is not, but holding a new baby for a few hours on a couch and attempting adult conversation with a mama or eating supper with a family through the shrieks and laughs and risible questions has been super filling and restorative)

-researching baby names (asking for family names. searching through the pleathora of vacuous baby-name lists. going through old name lists i’ve recorded in old journals)

-experiencing waves of different emotions: anger, apathy, ok-ness, etc. (my most real description some days: “unbalanced”)

-matt is considering growing out his hair again. big news. #ifyougotitflauntit

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-appreciating the surprisingly appropriate bible studies our church women have been leading: joshua, proverbs, ruth. all about waiting, patience, faith/trust and wisdom. ugh, my heart and mind are being stretched and pummeled. netflix and saucy historical fiction are not the solution…so thankful for a caring, wise group of women. they are good people.

“And you shall remember the whole way that the LORD your God has led you these forty years in the wilderness, that he might humble you, testing you to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep his commandments or not.” – Deuteronomy 8:2.

this verse struck and caused me to ponder “our infertility” dessert we’ve been wading through during bible study.  perhaps i am finally starting to see how God has been revealing and humbling our hearts. i have also started to accept the ways he has constantly been providing for us in ways we didn’t think to ask. he is good and his mercies are new every morning.

the end.

learning to be alright

exploring downtown with the man

exploring downtown with the man

i am currently in the process of learning to be alright with being alright.

if that makes sense.

it struck me the other day–as my friends admitted to how hard parenting is–

(and they struggled for years with infertility)–

that sometimes i create these scenarios about how i will react to something because of what we’ve experienced…

their admittance took me aback.

for them to admit that their “dream life” is hard

is pretty monumental and humbling.

yes, we have been struggling with infertility for almost three years–

but i am learning to see and appreciate the time i have with matt.

that it is ok to be happy and not worry about all

the “irons in the fire” as my ma puts it.

that we need to make plans around the unknown–

life cannot be put on a petrified hold because “what if we get the call?!

God still provides for us.

it is getting easier to consciously see the surrounding provisions His hands have freely given.

and we can’t walk away from that.

there are great and wondrous moments to be had.

time to be spent

with our community, our city–each other.

and that is good.

God is good.

i can and need to be identified as more than our current situation.

however, there will still be hard days when i am angry

and just cry.

but for now, thank you, jesus, for your unending mercy.

You are good.