Day 12

Advertisements

“in which i return to nebraska”

fall

a new poem by ashley brittingham

dark arms reaching, unfurling.

their gnarly hands arthritic.

they lend themselves ever upwards

toward the great orb of light.

upon their arms are layers,

rough stories from birth and time.

hail or snow.

wind or human.

stoic, they stand through all.

in their hands

bright yellows blind

cluster and float

like billowing florescent umbrellas.

they wave hello

aware of their time.

in that moment

my feet lead me through

their aureole, their chuppah.

the staccato–

crunch.

crunch.

crunch.

echoing through damp cold

changing yellow to brown beneath my soles.

i awake.

the coolness disappearing,

and the glow of the nebraska fall

dims into the land of nod.

late happenings

things that have been going on lately:

-waiting (things to do: go to a day-long adoption meeting. wait for birth-mom placement. finish raising dough. should i nest more??)

-learning more about patience and trust and grace. and how do you wait well? sometimes wish this came more naturally, but then we’d basically be perfect and what would be the point of needing God?

-2.5 years left of grad-school after december. oh. my. goodness. feels like we’re almost through mordor. bring it on mt. doom de dissertation!

-counting blessings in the small and big things (letting God bless me through other families allowing us to bask in their crazy. not sure how my heart is ok with this, sometimes it is not, but holding a new baby for a few hours on a couch and attempting adult conversation with a mama or eating supper with a family through the shrieks and laughs and risible questions has been super filling and restorative)

-researching baby names (asking for family names. searching through the pleathora of vacuous baby-name lists. going through old name lists i’ve recorded in old journals)

-experiencing waves of different emotions: anger, apathy, ok-ness, etc. (my most real description some days: “unbalanced”)

-matt is considering growing out his hair again. big news. #ifyougotitflauntit

img_6130

-appreciating the surprisingly appropriate bible studies our church women have been leading: joshua, proverbs, ruth. all about waiting, patience, faith/trust and wisdom. ugh, my heart and mind are being stretched and pummeled. netflix and saucy historical fiction are not the solution…so thankful for a caring, wise group of women. they are good people.

“And you shall remember the whole way that the LORD your God has led you these forty years in the wilderness, that he might humble you, testing you to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep his commandments or not.” – Deuteronomy 8:2.

this verse struck and caused me to ponder “our infertility” dessert we’ve been wading through during bible study.  perhaps i am finally starting to see how God has been revealing and humbling our hearts. i have also started to accept the ways he has constantly been providing for us in ways we didn’t think to ask. he is good and his mercies are new every morning.

the end.