i would describe this season of my life as apathetic.
there, i said it. i have named it.
it has been hard to not fall into this listless toll
of not really feeling, caring or wanting.
our journey towards a family continues
to bear heavily on us–sometimes needing to not talk about it
so as to create some form of relief and prevent burnout.
sometimes i fear that i will become a clanging gong
to the ears within my close circles.
i remember in high school and college, judging the women
who seemed to “drag” their infertility behind them–
but now i understand that they were being somewhat brave
and present to their feelings of need, loss and of something greater.
lately, God has been sending in some amazing women to speak to me and help start to
shift this layer of apathy farther from my grip:
that i do need to celebrate those who are becoming mothers
because i am called to rejoice with others–even though my heart would rather be mad.
that perhaps enjoying all the newborns around me needs to be ok–
enough, for this time of my life.
that this is a time where i can pour more into my spouse–
treasuring this time of freedom–
even though my heart “wants” to embrace whatever chaotic madness
a full house of children would bring.
(your kid is screaming and driving you bonkers? yeah, i want that.)
i am not sure really what is next on the list.
the “how to wait” is a vast question–for any number of things: a spouse, a house, a new
job, a friend, a better life, a purpose–kids is just one thing on this mighty list.
for now, i am thankful for the community of women God has placed in my life
to reflect his grace, wisdom and everlasting love.
thanks for being my family.
now, i am going to finish my oatmeal and fold some bulletins….
nebraska was good. snow came many a day and filled the wind with lace-like softness: my white christmas dreams fulfilled for the first time in a long while. matt spoke true words that no matter what or where we are during the holidays–some (or a lotta) crazy prevails. i am still wrapping my mind around that fact. there were a few moments that stand out that made the 30 plus hours of driving seem worth just those matter of minutes.
my 3rd sister maddie, after standing on her feet all day at work, sat next to me after dinner as i talked to a friend who was in town. maddie is one that needs to usually recharge after interacting with customers during a shift or a full day of school. instead of disappearing into her room, maddie’s arms lay on my lap as i stroked her beautiful, untamable brown hair that she has had since she was little. the warmth and dimness from lamps in the other room created a homey, soporific comfort. she sat with me for almost an hour, my middle sister–who is now an adult woman. so we sat nestled together–the pressure from her head on my shoulder extending over me in a sort of etherial way. i could have sat there all night.
there were on two or more occasions where visits to matt and i’s room occurred after our parents went to bed–my dad had been working long holiday hours and was exhausted due to other recent events. these nights with our unexpected visitors were the perfect end to a day. the christmas lights on our bed lit the space around our heads; maddie performed dance routines on the new exercise ball; our friend nebraska would pensively sit and drink in the surrounding throng of madness; and rebecca laid next to matt and absurdly demonstrated the strangeness of her feet. it was home.
another memory was of redeemer, our old church. their music is always incredible, especially when the leader’s daughters join her with their instruments and harmonious voices–i always feel like it is a small glimpse of what heaven will be like. there was a friend there who comforted me as i cried about the overwhelmingness of foster care and the 2 and 4 year old we were told about right before leaving for our trip. she was there with me and told me it is SO hard. i think i needed all this trip to process the last months of trying to finish up our foster care licenses, matt’s busyness with school, and then suddenly being told there were two kids available with us leaving in a matter of days for nebraska.
however, it is good to be back in atlanta and saying hello to new friends and faces. who knew atlanta would be such a great city? God is good.