late happenings

things that have been going on lately:

-waiting (things to do: go to a day-long adoption meeting. wait for birth-mom placement. finish raising dough. should i nest more??)

-learning more about patience and trust and grace. and how do you wait well? sometimes wish this came more naturally, but then we’d basically be perfect and what would be the point of needing God?

-2.5 years left of grad-school after december. oh. my. goodness. feels like we’re almost through mordor. bring it on mt. doom de dissertation!

-counting blessings in the small and big things (letting God bless me through other families allowing us to bask in their crazy. not sure how my heart is ok with this, sometimes it is not, but holding a new baby for a few hours on a couch and attempting adult conversation with a mama or eating supper with a family through the shrieks and laughs and risible questions has been super filling and restorative)

-researching baby names (asking for family names. searching through the pleathora of vacuous baby-name lists. going through old name lists i’ve recorded in old journals)

-experiencing waves of different emotions: anger, apathy, ok-ness, etc. (my most real description some days: “unbalanced”)

-matt is considering growing out his hair again. big news. #ifyougotitflauntit

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-appreciating the surprisingly appropriate bible studies our church women have been leading: joshua, proverbs, ruth. all about waiting, patience, faith/trust and wisdom. ugh, my heart and mind are being stretched and pummeled. netflix and saucy historical fiction are not the solution…so thankful for a caring, wise group of women. they are good people.

“And you shall remember the whole way that the LORD your God has led you these forty years in the wilderness, that he might humble you, testing you to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep his commandments or not.” – Deuteronomy 8:2.

this verse struck and caused me to ponder “our infertility” dessert we’ve been wading through during bible study.  perhaps i am finally starting to see how God has been revealing and humbling our hearts. i have also started to accept the ways he has constantly been providing for us in ways we didn’t think to ask. he is good and his mercies are new every morning.

the end.

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anxiety and our kingdom

lately, i have been super anxious. i have been anxious about our summer plans and the programs in massachusetts and israel that matt is applying for (when will we know? when is the deadline? should i re-new my passport? look at plane tickets? what will happen to our apartment?….). i have worried about my timeline for our family and why we are neither pregnant or have received our foster care license yet (what is wrong with right now? our backgrounds are clean–why is it taking so long?). worried about my sister’s wedding and their constantly changing lives/plans.

however, the theme keeps ringing: all has been provided for and completed by God. i can’t see the whole story, but am stuck in a minute fraction of life and my near-sighted vision is causing me: distress, sleeplessness, depression, etc. and even when i have tried to give all these things in prayer to God, it seems that they come right back to me. that probably shouldn’t happen, but it does. i realized last week during a women’s study at church, it might be tied to my lack of faith: i don’t want to give it up because i trust in my capabilities/planning strategies more than God’s plans. i like to make lists, be in control, try to maintain all around me. this time i can’t and i don’t want to trust someone else to handle this: there must be something i can do that can neatly stack my life/future order.

slowly my heart has been learning to release its grip. just realize, i have no control. this doesn’t mean i lay back and let life have a go with me, but my stress and anxiety is not worth it. not worth my time and energy and mental capacity. God will bring the answers in his own time. meanwhile i read this today from the lental devotions journey to the cross:

“Our consumerism is rooted in a lack of faith. We are worried about what others think because we are not convinced that God delights in us (Psalm 149:4). We are anxious because we do not believe God will meet our needs (Matthew 6:32). We vie for attention because we do not think God rewards what is done in secret (Matthew 6:6). We compare ourselves to others because we forget that Jesus is our righteousness (1 Corinthians 1:30). A consumer is self-seeking because he is preoccupied with building his own kingdom in order to meet his own needs. During Lent, Jesus especially calls us to re-right our lives, to “Seek fist the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you” (Matthew 6:33).

may this passage help to challenge your heart and ponder what you are not giving up, whether it is worry, anxiety, comparison, attention, etc. a friend encouraged me to look at where God has provided in the past and i think that will be a good place to start.

the post you have been patiently waiting for: part 1

2:00 o’clock already. so many fails today: sewing machines that only work for my mother-in-law, fighting with matt, putting said sewing machine away, hanging laundry, arguing with matt, cleaning, washing light fixtures, fighting…..

listening to “when God hides his face”, a sermon from our old church. so good. talking about if we trust God or just make him into the image that suits us best. blogging. thinking about thankfulness from this recent post:  “give me gratitude or give me debt”. so much to be thankful for. been reading the mary russel series–love, love, love (thanks grams for the suggest).

 

one of my favorite pieces from our old church garage.

one of my favorite pieces from our old church garage.

 

etsy prints from our church of every place we have lived: lincoln, bloomington and atlanta. and matt's temporary bike parking.

etsy prints from our church of every place we have lived: lincoln, bloomington and atlanta. and matt’s temporary bike parking.

 

cleaned off the table today. new print on wall of old laundry mat in bloomington. free from shutterfly.

cleaned off the table today. new print on wall of old laundry mat in bloomington. free from shutterfly.

 

begonia from our neighboor

begonia from our neighboor

 

40s kitchen

40s kitchen

 

laundry day

laundry day

 

cute faces on my fridge

cute faces on my fridge

 

our big western window

our big western window

 

favorite wall: bd lamp, royi holler prints, stacking bookcase.

favorite wall: bd lamp, royi holler prints, stacking bookcase.

 

free bookcase. 2 cans of white spray paint (you can't even tell that we put tape over the screw holes, mom) #resourcefulmama

free bookcase. 2 cans of white spray paint (you can’t even tell that we put tape over the screw holes, mom) #resourcefulmama

 

front door. you're welcome anytime!

front door. you’re welcome anytime!

my cali-husker moving crew

mad and bex aka "sweet trouble"

mad and bex aka “sweet trouble”

 

sexy ginger britches

sexy ginger britches

 

papa b. aka "techno-master"

papa b. aka “techno-master”

 

my nebraska mama

my nebraska mama

 

beca-maggie aka "organizer-magnifique"

beca-maggie aka “organizer-magnifique”

 

mama b. aka "busy-b"

mama b. aka “busy-b”

 

the only picture i took of my pop's face. a bit ironic...

the only picture i caught of my pop’s face. a bit ironic…

thank you. could not have done it without you guys. everything is hanging up. our new office is looking sharp.  matt and i are settling into our new space. bit weird to have an upstairs. explored an eastern indian strip mall today. our favorite store was the grocery store: the spices were all in bulk and RIDICULOUSLY cheap. let’s just say we’ll be cooking a LOT of indian in the next few months…or years.