learning to be alright

exploring downtown with the man

exploring downtown with the man

i am currently in the process of learning to be alright with being alright.

if that makes sense.

it struck me the other day–as my friends admitted to how hard parenting is–

(and they struggled for years with infertility)–

that sometimes i create these scenarios about how i will react to something because of what we’ve experienced…

their admittance took me aback.

for them to admit that their “dream life” is hard

is pretty monumental and humbling.

yes, we have been struggling with infertility for almost three years–

but i am learning to see and appreciate the time i have with matt.

that it is ok to be happy and not worry about all

the “irons in the fire” as my ma puts it.

that we need to make plans around the unknown–

life cannot be put on a petrified hold because “what if we get the call?!

God still provides for us.

it is getting easier to consciously see the surrounding provisions His hands have freely given.

and we can’t walk away from that.

there are great and wondrous moments to be had.

time to be spent

with our community, our city–each other.

and that is good.

God is good.

i can and need to be identified as more than our current situation.

however, there will still be hard days when i am angry

and just cry.

but for now, thank you, jesus, for your unending mercy.

You are good.

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dpp 7: diciembre siete

“i ain’t no hollaback girl…” -pretty sure stefani was singing about being a “challah-back” girl 🙂 when i was looking up the original song, i wonderfully stumbled upon a whole market for “challah back girl” merchandise: t-shirts, etc. oh, yeah.

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the giver of growth

today was my third day of work. it was better than monday and tuesday (each day is positively progressing). most the houses that we clean, i do not mind the work. however, there are other things that make the job slightly less agreeable. some of these things relate to management and others to the people with whom i am working with. after a day of long conversations with a coworker, we centered a bit on church and my  beliefs as a christian. i remember trying to take things slowly and not rush our conversation. i wished that i could be more forward with my feelings about God and  his grace…(i didn’t want to fail my at my chance to share. good christians share the gospel! they perservere and are not light of heart!). consequently, a later conversation with my mother and this verse shed some light on my fear and doubt:

what then is apollos? what is paul? servants through whom you believed, as the Lord assigned to each. I planted, apollos watered, but God gave the growth. so neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God who gives the growth. He who plants and He who waters are one, and each will receive his wages according to his labor. for we are God’s fellow workers, you are God’s field, God’s buildings. -1 corinthians 3: 5-9

although, this job would have not been my initial decision in the job world, i can not just try my best and be a holy representative. i must pray for my desire for these people’s growth and betterment. my job is not just to clean thoroughly and quickly, BUT also to learn to love the people around me who i would rather not hang out with. to allow God to build his kingdom through me, i must become a “fellow worker” and learn to love like him.

this will indeed take time. meanwhile, i am exploring the best that our town has to offer in terms of housing (mostly homes of academic professors). today, at my first house, the amount of hair (and not just head hair!) i accumulated from the bathroom floors could have easily stuffed a comforter. the house also took delight in piling rocks and random shells on the counters in the bathrooms and preposterously around the jacuzzi tub. i did not feel like getting my beach towel and suntan lotion out. yesterday, i cleaned a decked out (full to the brim of rare antiques, lush rugs, rooms drug right out of restoration hardware, etc.) home from 1850. it was a shaker style, colonial home. as we drove up to the house and as i walked about inside, i felt like i was entering a southern, pre-civil war home (maybe, i did feel a bit like mammy…so what?). it was dreamy,  positively delightful, and utterly divine to have the honor to clean their home.

the little boy was akin to little fauntleroy, except with iPad and animal pjs.

little lord fauntleroy

the book i remember as a child

the book for those who are unfamiliar with the children’s book was written by frances hodgson burnett (she also wrote the secret garden, the little princess, etc.) it is a sad/happy/depressing tale like the rest.

furthermore, there are other places that i clean that are not so pleasant, where dog pee has settled into the very essence of the house and i almost retch as i am hand washing the foyer. or there are places that are just dank and remind me of my grandparent’s old musty basement with old dead bugs and all. nonetheless,  the good is starting to out weigh the bad. i have a job. a good husband. a roof over my head and a pca church plant, we get to be a part of. what more could i really ask?

except for…chocolate chip cookie dough and salisbury steak with gravy…(oh, wait, i made it already). salisbury for dinner and cookie dough and scrubs for dessert! woot! the Lord is indeed good.